Sealing a part of me

After so many years... I just can't stop thinking about her... Although I have long destroyed a part of me wanting her. Was it out of fear of loving her? I couldn't comprehend myself..

Sometimes I'm afraid what could I have done.. Thinking of the past, I used to have a hamster.. Used to.. At first, I treat it with care like a glass that could break anytime.. After sometime, what have I gone wrong.. Treating it like some toy, squeezing it while I could hear it cries.. I even dreamt of it.. Seeing myself doing that, I felt so fking disgusted. Was I born with a black heart? If so, I'm not surprise.

I have even darker past that I could remember.. But I'm not sure that I actually done it, Fragmented memories. Human brains are incompetent when it comes to storing memories.. Sometimes, the mind helps to alter the memory so we could live happily... By lying to ourself.

I could not bring happiness to others, I'm just a spawn to the evil compassion.. It would be the best choice to live alone. To double it, I could end my genetic of my god damn father.. I do not wish of having his genes.. But I'm afraid that I could do nothing to change the fact that he is my 'best' dad in the world. Be assure, i do not hate a person without reason. So don't judge me before you thinking that I'm ungrateful brat. Indeed he done his job as a father. But he's a father without knowing how to treat his family in a good way.

Ah... Is been a long time I post. Self reassurance I suppose..If living a lie is what it takes to make everyone happy.. I don't mind living one.
As democracy states, The needs of ones overcomes the needs of many.

-two birds, one stone- :)