Awareness

Sry about the Vietnam trip blog, these few day i been playing starcraft2 map called NOTD(night of the dead). it's been a while since my blood lust for gaming unleashed, oh the joy of playing it all day night.. and sleep late. i know it isn't good but, what can i do? it's a cursed ~_~.. once you good at it, eventually you want to best at it.. and i did.. it felt great.... i feel so alive after achieving it. now every NOTD player that came across me whether in NA(north america) or sea servers knows who am i.



but eventually, the day has come.. my degree course going to start. a sudden thought in my head and it felt that, the day that i should stop screwing around and start working towards my goal. but,a question arise.. what is my goal? seriously viewers, i didn't have a goal in life.. i didn't even want to be alive. but since the past 20 years my mother cared for me, i might as well continue to choose what i going to be.

i decided to choose the hardest course in I.T(innovation and technology) to force myself to improve.. hopefully that helped me in my future. I used to say to myself, if i don't have a will to live. Then find a purpose in living, and i eventually did that and it helped me through the past 5 years. but it might have to come to an end, because these few days.. i feel so lost.. even hearing the voice of the person i loved makes me kinda sad.. knowing the things you always love won't be with you. it just getting depress and fearful every time i thought of that.

however, i found a new purpose when my parents gave me something before they go for a trip... Money.. i found something that all these while, i never notice it.. it goes for a very long time, every time i had a fight with my father, he will always reconcile with certain amount of money, well.. my father form of love is through money. But, he still takes care of me whenever im sick.. hes just suck at showing how to love his children..

aside from that. at the very beginning, money is just another paper to me.. but it grews more noticeable whenever im depress or angry, when i saw those money.. it made me kinda felt happy and worthwhile..as some of you may know, my temper is not something that any living things should see..once you start the spark, the fire will just keep growing..until it burns everything.metaphorically speaking :P

and maybe.. just maybe, i found my new sanity to live for it.. i will live for money and only money.. it might not be a good way to live, but it certainly a great thing for me to live in this forsaken world..

i should have realised it sooner.. i just found the devil in me :)

- when nobody can love you, then you dont nid anyone -

and the detective dee movie, from the Tang Dynasty empress of China said something like this(i guess something similar, is not 100% accurate)

- in order to do achieve greatness, everyone are expendable -

well, it figuratively touched my heart on that very day. i guess thats all to it, for now..



oh btw, i might take some time to repost the vietnam trip thingy.. so it might take very long :S