Dreams..

What a bummer... woke up feeling devastated.. i actually cried, knowing some part of me just died after that dream. Well, usually most people wouldn't recall what they have dreamt about.. this one was unique. I have long lost the need of her affection, yet in my dream.. seeing her with someone else..hearing that she did "it".. totally crush me.. isn't that a happy life for her? knowing that she could get a better man that can make happy is the thing i ever need? i... suppose is for the best.. yet i do not feel happy at all.. not one bit. Is this what it takes to be human? i do not want to see myself being in this state. i hope i don't dream this thing again.. or perhaps if i could master the lucid dreaming, then i could control or rather shape my dream.. Anyway, i rather live my life in a solitude. Perhaps games would be the only thing i ever need.. ever since my childhood, is all about games.. fun times.. and my cute sheep ~. I think thats all for now.. is been a long time i ever seen her, since our last encounter.
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- we changed for a better purpose-

best of luck.. peyloo-chan~ may a G.A find your soulmate sooner~

FYP

Ah, time to get serious on my final year project. because i recently bought a macbook for my ipad programming ! haha! now i can do anything to my ipad <3~ well, adious blog ~ and.. good luck to anyone reading this ^_^

The end of 2 weeks holiday~

well, it's not really an official holiday. is just that my parents and my brother came back from Aussie on Saturday 5/11/2011. the end of my living-alone-plan for the future ~.. is not bad at all ~ where i can hang out with my bros(friends) and they overnight my house. is like living the American dreams~(i really have no idea what their dreams are,LOL)

anyway, since today is the last day ~ i made a 6 hour before the bbq party plan and it works well(except for the chicken, no time to marinate it which taste pretty good for an 1 hour marinate). Eaten A LOT of food and i still left with 7 hotdogs+ 5 piece of chicken+ few bottles of soda and some bread. GODDAMMIT, how am i suppose to finish this all! )#@(*_!#@_@#. *okayguyface.jpg*(google this if you don't know), ima finish it all.. hopefully.

although it was suppose to be a good day.. somehow it didn't. because my crush just joke something cruel.. and i know she meant it as a joke.. but somehow it hurts like my eye staring at the sun for 3 whole hours. well, although she and i are just friends. somehow deep down in my heart have this hope of her, at least i hope she cares about me. Didn't happen, it didn't at all. but i guess we are even.. since i did hurt her before,the naive past of me.

i know that i gave up on chasing on fairy tales(romantics), but my mind kept thinking and thinking. i do not like forcing my love to her, since i don't like people forcing their ideas on me. if it hurts me just to make her happy, then is worth being in pain. it is best for 1 people to be happy than making both unhappy. pain.. it hurts, but it will make me stronger. all i know is, there is always a better guy out there for her. so go get them! :D

-i do no need your love, just to see your smile is enough-

Food for thought #1

Lately, i can't sleep soundly.. probably due to failures.. gosh, how could i fail a module.. stupid module.. I'm not even sure what to do now. Best part was that i can register for the next intake and after that i found out that i failed a module, What the hell.

anyway, my Facebook wall recently had too much people posting about their love life. seriously, they need to man up a bit(probably a lot). i don't even know why they even bother ranting it while they should have do something about it.. seriously. not all people have the liberty to be loved by others.

i am one of the distinguish example. i never had a relationship in my entire life(own3d) :D. although my second bro didn't have a relationship before, he is more like a robot who doesn't recognize that feeling. could you imagine a girl saying "I Love You" in his face and able to walk away without feeling anything. i LOL-ed so hard that i even felt sorry for that girl. well, my bro just a person who really needs game as his partner in life. If a LIVING woman can able to marry my second bro, i srsly bow to her and say big sis.. you achieve something that no entire woman able to do.

anyway,at first.. i has doubt for my first bro relationship with his wife.... not that is my authority to say anything. since they marry after they know each other for a year.. but overall, shes a nice person. good for you bro!

as for me, im one of the minority who consider as lone wolf. i have to live alone to understand myself(which i don't really understand myself fully, weird). which i used to think as a curse.. my existence is a curse. but now, i see it as a blessing. although i don't meant it heart-fully but, i really do think is for the best. IF there is a god out(i still don't believe it) probably he did a good job on it. i always hope for an easy way out in this life.. but since im not a brave/coward person to take my own life.. i just have to see it through. after all, being alive able to change a person perspective, while the dead.. being dead.

-Life is interesting if you make it interesting-

oh, and is 4th of October.. hmm, 5 more days perhaps? :)

21st birthday

Well, as usual how I celebrate my birthday.. By not bothering celebrating my birthdays. Throughout the years of living.. I only celebrate my birthday 3 times. Because I stop believing that birthday is a celebration. To me, is just a proof that I lived. Nothing so wonderful about it, the day I stop acknowledge myself is the day I mentally died. But let's not get emotional about that :).

Anyway, I was surprised on Saturday which my mui(zi Wei), no blood relation with me but I think of her as big sis :D. She gave me a call to ask me whether at night I'm free or not, becausenshe wanted to give me something. Told her I was free for the week, and she did come at night.... Dressing like she's going to a prom. I was stunned and amazed. Sooooo.....I couldn't comprehend the situation, when I told her she's going anywhere, she said no. And she insist me to let her in. Oookaayy... I just open the gate and bunch of my friend started showing up like some Indian movie LOL. Singing birthday song. It made me a little happy and a bit sad.. But it made me feel good about it :).

So they gave me a big present card and it was meaningful... It doesn't cost much but it certainly a worthy item to be remembered. The next day, which is Sunday. A girl who shall not be name(I would.. But nah :p) planned to throw me a birthday celebration in sunway, she gave me a pair of dokumon car seat pillow which IS AWESOME! I love it a lot :D and a message to me... She was the one who actually knew the inner me...what I'm really am.. Her message just made me felt like I'm needed.. It almost made break my wall of solitude.. And almost cry.. But I'm too old for it :p. Thanks ^^

Writing this post was kinda hard..

-Real kindness doesn't get by asking. Is by given-

Doggy...

Is been a long time I seen the dog in front of my house. I wish ntg bad happen to it him.......... Strange.. I grew fond of it. Well, I'm not even sure why it was in front of my house. But it was pretty fun to have one dog companion, it really is. Sometimes I went out to jog, it will follow me. At night I came back, it lying down on the street in front of my house. Cute part of him is he wag it's tail every time he sees me... Hmm, it makes me want to buy a dog.. But probably in the future. As I know is hard to take care of animal.

Well, mom said the dog had been in accident and badly injured. My neighbor is a person who is extreme dog lover, she brings wild dog to veterinarian to check their health... So she bring the dog to the vet and have a check.. Hopefully is okay.. And I hope my mom was wrong about it died.. She says a good dog will never die in front of their owner. I just wish the dog had gone to a better area and stay there. I... Do not really wish it died.. Weird, having this feeling. I do not comprehend...

-death is a part of life, which I accept heartfully for myself.... But not for others-

Sealing a part of me

After so many years... I just can't stop thinking about her... Although I have long destroyed a part of me wanting her. Was it out of fear of loving her? I couldn't comprehend myself..

Sometimes I'm afraid what could I have done.. Thinking of the past, I used to have a hamster.. Used to.. At first, I treat it with care like a glass that could break anytime.. After sometime, what have I gone wrong.. Treating it like some toy, squeezing it while I could hear it cries.. I even dreamt of it.. Seeing myself doing that, I felt so fking disgusted. Was I born with a black heart? If so, I'm not surprise.

I have even darker past that I could remember.. But I'm not sure that I actually done it, Fragmented memories. Human brains are incompetent when it comes to storing memories.. Sometimes, the mind helps to alter the memory so we could live happily... By lying to ourself.

I could not bring happiness to others, I'm just a spawn to the evil compassion.. It would be the best choice to live alone. To double it, I could end my genetic of my god damn father.. I do not wish of having his genes.. But I'm afraid that I could do nothing to change the fact that he is my 'best' dad in the world. Be assure, i do not hate a person without reason. So don't judge me before you thinking that I'm ungrateful brat. Indeed he done his job as a father. But he's a father without knowing how to treat his family in a good way.

Ah... Is been a long time I post. Self reassurance I suppose..If living a lie is what it takes to make everyone happy.. I don't mind living one.
As democracy states, The needs of ones overcomes the needs of many.

-two birds, one stone- :)