Dreams...

Sometime.. dreams reflected to reality in some other way... it can be good or bad... i dream of her.. again.. the dream was seeing her with someone else... they look so happy and intimate with each other... probably why my jealousy started..and the next day i dream of.. her again.. dammit.. i know i let her go but... i cant stop this dream.. darn.. anyway.. this time.. i murder her with my own hands.. woke up and sweat alot... washing my own hand.... but this probably reflected to the reality of our friendship.. and the third day .. once again.. i dream of her.. we were quite happy together.. well is quite fuzzy... just saw her smile at me...i doubt we were really that happy when together...usually im just the one being happy when she beside me >_> (sorry for being a simpleton)

Anyway, sometime i wish i was a dream.. a person that didn't exist in reality... how i wish that were true.. i could tell that.. if i didn't exist... my family would live a happier life.. friends could probably doesnt have to suffer my existance..oh.. the humanity... and i probably doesn't have to suffer my childhood memory....

i just want to end everything.. soon ... soon enough.. i will bite the god damn bullet....... i just need a catalyst to start the spark.. eventually the fire will spread out.. somehow.. suiciding is not an option.. since i still have my code of living...i will repay back my parents in full.. then probably suicide can come later... i really live long enough to be a darkness in the light of society.. now.. just to wait the bomb blows up..in my head that is..